Saturday, March 31, 2007

read this update on my life!

Its going well. I'm too tired to come up with something witty.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

hear this apology

Sorry people. Sorry for me being in Canada. Sorry for still being in Canada, and sorry for staying in Canada. I'm sure those of you in Canada don't mind and those at home can live without me for a while. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Fonder and fonder.... I see that I may have trouble keeping people - especialy women - away from me when I get back. So, for those back in the UK, as your heart grows fonder and fonder of me should be aware of these following points:

  • I'm not losing weight (some of my flabby bits may have turned to muscle)
  • I'm not any more confident with women (which probably leads to the next point)
  • I'm not falling in love (but I still get objects of affection)
  • I'm not a professional snowboarder (but I'm decent)
  • I'm not so much of a pushover (you want me to put that where?)
  • I'm not any taller (in fact I may have shrunk)
  • I'm not cutting my hair properly (why bother, I'm a no-good hippy traveller)
  • I'm not becoming a gentleman (you should hear some of the smut that I've been saying)
So there you go. After a few months of your heart growing fonder hopefully that will knock your opinion of me down a few pegs. After all I don't want to come home and have to live up to all your expectations. After all, I'm only human.

The point

Self-centred? Oh no, you've taken that completely the wrong way. I've not become a egotystical self-absorbed dickhead. It's just that for the last few days I've been trapped in a evil downhill slump that has made me look at myself with a ridiculously critical light. I almost cried, before realising that I do in fact have some good points. And if I looked closely I could see good points in the negative points. I think that if we use too narrow a window too look at ourselves then we miss the true splendor of the landscape.

I think that the last of these points was driven home today on the mountain. So sorry Carleen for moaning all day on the hill, and sorry to anyone who has just read this entire blog and realised that I've not actually said anything of importance. But then, I think that you should read it again.

Still waiting for you

Phil

Saturday, March 17, 2007

stop celebrating for no reason

The people who live next door to me had a little shin dig tonight to celebrate st. patricks day. Now that is fine enough. It's not for me to put people who are having a good time down, or to stop people partyingHowever when I walked past the door this pissed little tart with a green hat on and some green tinsel wrapped around her waist leans against the frame and asks;

'Are you coming to join the party?'
'No thank you,' I politely reply.
'Oh. Oh ok, you lot hate us paddys don't you?'

I do not hate the Irish. I do not really hate anyone (with a few exceptions) What I do hate is little Canadian/Austrailian/British/American retards like this little cow - she was Canadian - pretending that they are Irish as an excuse to get drunk. I do not need an excuse to have a good night out, and this lot running around like fuckwits just makes them look like walking advertisments for Guinness. I could have continued this conversation but it would have gone something like this...

- That's strange little girl, you sound Canadian.

'Oh but I have a Great-Grandma that was part Irish on her cousin's side.'

- Well whoop-de-fucking do. Have a hat. But are you Irish?

'I'm part Irish.'

- But are you Irish? If you were ever selected for a Olympic team, which one would it be?

'Canada.'

- So you're not Irish. So why are you celebrating St. Patricks day? What makes you want to go out and get absolutely drunk to celebrate a country that you have no real connection to?

'It's a party. Besides there's this cousin on my Grandma's side.'

At which point I would have thrown a rather large turnip at her and chase her until she or I expired from exhaustion or turnip concussion (and that last one would have better odds for her).

Do't get me wrong. I love the Irish. But I don't see why we should celebrate a day of someone we don't really know about (did you know he was Scottish) for no real reason other than you desperately need some way to make that alcohol abuse you so hate yourself for indulging in a little bit more respectable.

Sorry, I needed to get that orf my chest.

Tits to you all.

Phil

Thursday, March 15, 2007

fetch some medicine!

I'm bastard ill again. Bastard Whistler bastard illness all the bastard time. My head hurts and my nose is blocked and my eyes hurt and my throat is sore. I mean, who gets a cold just as winter is coming to an end? I'm going to blame Canada.

Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won't obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse!
Should we blame the government?
Or blame society?
Or should we blame the images on TV?
No, blame Canada
Blame Canada
With all their beady little eyes
And flapping heads so full of lies
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
We need to form a full assault
It's Canada's fault!
Don't blame me
For my son Stan
He saw the damn cartoon
And now he's off to join the Klan!
And my boy Eric once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him he tells me to f**k myself!
Well, blame Canada
Blame Canada
It seems that everything's gone wrong
Since Canada came along
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
They're not even a real country anyway
My son could've been a doctor or a lawyer rich and true,
Instead he burned up like a piggy on the barbecue
Should we blame the matches?
Should we blame the fire?
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?
heck no!
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
With all their hockey hullabaloo
And that bitch Anne Murray too
Blame Canada
Shame on Canada
For...
The smut we must stop
The trash we must bash
The Laughter and fun
Must all be undone
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before someone thinks of blaming uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus!!!!

Oh come on it was inevitable I would stick that up, I'm too ill to think of anything original. So anything else I should enlight you on? Well I had a hilarious (and painful) stack the other day. It was Tobi's last day in Whistler and we went for Fresh tracks, however the snow was a little bit icy so we were going easy. Until I suggest going through the park and facing my own demons. Now I hit two (little) jumps on my board and landed them, so when going over the bump section I had a bit of confidence and speed.

srccccccccccccccccccccccraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkk (that's the sound of a board going over ice) and I ended up falling heavily on my arse and wrist, both of which complained. Then another boarder flies over the bumps and does exactly the same thing. Only his fall is stopped by me. As he slides past his board gives me a nice bump on the head.

Now I was lucky. If either of us had been going faster I could have broken my wrist or arse. And I wasn't wearing a helmet then he would have nicely broken my head. But oh well, that was the end of my day so I struggled off home and felt sorry for myself.

Just like I am here. Sorry folks, I'm going to write something stupid now, so hopefully I'll post that for y'all inabit.

Stay sexy

Phil

Monday, March 12, 2007

read this short story (1 - Beauty)

Sorry about the start. This is for a competition over here that requires me to include a four legged animal, a martini glass and fog. It also has to start with the grammatical nightmare 'When from out of nowhere...'

Beauty

When from out of nowhere she appeared in my life I thought I was dreaming. How soon I learned that only waking hours can provide a man with such pain; and even our worst nightmares cannot torture us as much as beauty can.

It seemed only ten minutes, but we had been talking for hours. We stared into each other’s eyes as I stole sips of martini from her lipstick-stained glass. She was perfection personified; her loveliness unmatched by anyone.

So when - hidden within an embarrassed whisper - she suggested continuing the conversation (and romance) elsewhere I felt my heart skip.

The fog that had descended hid us from prying eyes as we stumbled, kissed and groped our way towards the waiting taxis. However the same cloud that I thought had been heaven sent also hid our nemesis from us until it was too late.

Piercing the night’s silence echoed a shout of such wonder that both of us stopped mid-stride. Enthralled I turned towards the shape that was galloping towards us from the masked interior of the mist.

It was a horse, but also something else. Out of its forehead protruded a long silver horn that glimmered by its own light, as if there was a candle slowly burning within it. That night I witnessed a truly fantastic creature, as intimidating as it was impressive.

As it thundered past me the cry bellowed again, followed by a horrifying silence.

My Angel was lying in the road, writhing in pain after the collision with the beast. As she twisted in agony with her blood leaking onto the street I hung my head and cried. When she stopped breathing I stared into her eyes and lamented ever witnessing such a beautiful creature, for only misery had followed it.

go to toronto (for a couple weeks at least)

Oh that's right. I've made my decision, and have posted it on the internet. After all, if its on the internet it must be true. So why this momentus decision?

I'm going to visit relatives in Barrie, which is a couple of hours north of Toronto to start with. Then if I can get an exciting (it has to be interesting at the very least, else why not come home) job I think I'm going to stay there for a while. Of course if I can't then I'll head home and start saving for my next Whistler adventure.

Next Whistler adventure? That's right folks I'm coming back to this God-forsaken amazing place at some point. There will probably be a sign up sheet in your work places soon, if not then ask your bosses why not! But that's a while away yet.

So what's been happening in my life? I've been very tired and very silly and very drunk, sometimes all at the same time. LAst night was Toby's going away drinks and he decided to cap it off with a manic run around the building. So I was chasing after a drunken German as he banged on doors and tried to persuade people to 'join the party', all the time with him in a t-shirt and boxers. Not a pretty sight. But I survived and so did Toby, although I'm not sure whether the girls will forgive him (they should do they're pretty cool)

Other than that life is ticking along here at a nice pace. I'm going to start saving money now, which means not much going out and lots of spare time, so look for more blogs here!

Also I'vce decided to get some short stories done, which I'm going to be posting on here, please give some constructive critisism if you feel I need it. Which I do. So first up, here comes beauty...

Friday, March 9, 2007

listen for the screams of indecision

ARgghhhhhhhh! What to do? What should I do? Why won't someone make this decison for me? Why can't I make this decision for myself. I've asked people and got different answers, asked the same person twice and got a different answer, asked two people different questions and got the same answer.

No, I'm not going to regale you with another tale of failed chat-up lines and girls that wriggled out of my grasp before they even fall into my embrace. Even though that is about to happen again. But that's a different story for a different day, maybe you'll get lucky and I'll get drunk and tell you all. At this moment however I'm talking to you about where I'm going to go once this Whistler adventure is over.

The way I see it is that I have four major choices. I'm sure there are others but seeing as I'm having such trouble with the first four I won't even search for any more. So what are these choices?

1. Stay in Whistler
2. Go to Vancouver
3. Go to Toronto
4. Go home

1, 2, 3, 4. All have a plus or minus, all with reasons for and against, all with people I want to see and people to run from. So what do I do? Where do I go?

I think that I need to make a decsion, just to put my mind at rest. I'm getting good hours at work and unless I go silly with my money I can afford all four. But I need to make a choice. I think this week I may have made a very serious decision about the direction I want my life to head, although people may not think I'm being serious.

I may leave it to chance. I may jump in the air and see where I land, I may turn a card. But one thing is for sure, I'm making my decision by the end of this week, which will be the 11th of the month of March. If I have no resolution by then you may all strike me down with a bolt of lightening. If you have one.

Forever yours

Phil

Thursday, March 8, 2007

follow the tangled relationships

Now I'm writing this drunk. Let me make that clear from the start. That means that ay speelig mistakes or gramatical errors from now on are forgivable, and probably done on purpose just to make this first paragraph have a point to it.

Now then...

I may have hooked up with someone a while ago in a typical one night stand situation. This girl then, while not ignoring me thereafter (And who could blame her if she did) - and that's a sarcastic joke for those of you who don't quite get my drunken humour)) was... hesitant to make contact. I tried, i really did, because I don't really believe in one night stands. Yet still there was always an excuse, always a reason that made it impossible for her to meet me. I would tell you I cried myself to sleep but that would be a lie.

And tonight she copped off with my friend! Not a close enough friend to mean that he knew about the 'incident' but getting closer. So he had no idea about me and her and she had no idea about me and him becoming friends.

When I said goodnight to him tonight you should have seen the look on her face. Now of course the questino is do I tell him or congatualte him? Either way I can forsee lots of fun for me to have in the next few days. I'm falling asleep so I'll tell you what I'm going to leave the conclusion for the future.

Inabit peers

Phil

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

follow the complaints

I had a customer today who couldn't speak a word of English. He was French Canadian through and through. Unfortunately there was no one at work today who can speak French better than me so I had to serve him. Now those of you who worked with me in France will know that my French is bad to moderately bad.

Now this bloke didn't slow down his talking, didn't say any English words that he may have picked up - after all he lives in an bi-lingual country you'd think that he would have learn some words. So eventually we managed to sort out his problem and everyone smiled triumphantly. Apart from the gentleman (sorry, dickhead) who then proceeded to complain that no one spoke French.

I'm sorry, but if you've managed to sort out a problem with someone who doesn't speak your language properly you do not stick around to complain, because the chances are the poor sods will not be able to understand you and you will end up more frustrated. Lucky for him I understood his complaint and decided to answer in the fastest, most brummie English that I could muster.

He walked off seething. I smiled.




Oh and another thing my Mom e-mailed me to say that HSBC is charging £25 pounds a day for going overdrawn. What! Why are they charging me money I obviously don't have? Dickheads. I may well be declaring bankrupcy when I get home dudes, something that I'll look forwards to.

Rock on dudes

Monday, March 5, 2007

look for the burnt candle

I have decided to start a blog. Before the entire crowd starts booing in the unanimous chant that this type of endevour usually creates, I'd like to remind everyone that I have tried something to this effect before and they more than often end after a couple of weeks. So humour me eh?

Eh? That would be the Canadian in me talking. And no, before someone throws in a sodomy joke I would qualify that - I am in Canada and therefore I have adopted some of the traits of the country. I now enjoy a muffin at breakfast and a burger for tea, with a hefty dose of snowboarding thrown in inbetween.

Since being in Whistler however I have become more and more tired, yet in my own way I have realised why. I am burning the candle at three ends!

'How does one burn the candle at three ends?' I hear you shout. Well, I have been drinking and going out. One end. Then I've been working almost 5 days a week on average 10 hours a day. Two ends. Then I've been snowboarding, which is the third end.

So this means that I've been exhausted. Very exhausted. Throw in a house move and mutual misunderstanding between me and my boss means that I'm just about dead right now. And it it now that I have to make desicions for the future? Bollocks to that I'm going to continue writing blogs and become more and more self indulged.

Rock on peeeeeeepsss